I am living in the tropical island of my birth as an EX- citizen which along with several other experiences doesn’t allow me to call this place ‘home’. Let me share a very essential part of my life that I believe I haven’t shared on this blog before… My abusive marriage was annulled many years ago. Many dont understand the difference between annulment (making it null and void) and divorce. However, irregardless of the technicalities, it was this trauma that led me to my life changing experience of embracing Christ wholeheartedly as my Saviour. Escaping that cage with a metal brace supporting my stretched ligaments on my wrist, running away with a desire of staying alive and not killed, tired of the daily fear wondering whether that next throttling of the throat will cause my last breath… ironically this very thing caused me to try to commit suicide. (More on that in my blog post Shepherd…).
All throughout my life, yes I desired to get to know Jesus but given my background of a different religion and love for my mother kept one foot here and the other there. Frankly I was neither here nor there despite my heart leaning to one over the other. It was this point of time, when I couldn’t (or rather obviously God’s hand wouldn’t let me) open the window of the 18th floor apartment that Jesus revealed Himself to me in a vision. Yes Jesus EMBRACED the way I was at that point IRREGARDLESS of the technicalities of what my past decisions had been! He loved me for who I was! My life took an absolute turn after that.
I was progressing in my career when God called me to return to my ‘home’ land to serve Him here. I completed my M.Div. here with top grades and I thank God for that experience as all my lecturers were foreigners from different parts of the world bringing an enrichment and also a broadening of mindset. However, the MAJORITY of the religious Christian leadership of this nation regard a person who is ‘divorced’ as one who is not a good ‘witness’ to Christ.. which means you aren’t allowed to teach or preach – while they who do teach are perfect in Christ. (So I quickly take a moment to say thank you to each one of you who read this blog and encourage me to keep writing!) Yes, it doesn’t matter to them whether it was due to violence or not, whether before Christ or not, whether annulled or divorced – it’s all the same and you are doomed. No, it doesn’t matter that it was Jesus Christ Himself who lifted you out of the miry clay.
Trust me, I have seen married couples whom I used to hang out with (both husband and wife were friends is what I’m saying) and socialise, whose houses we frequented… but now where the wife would scowl her face at the sight of seeing me somewhere and the unassuming husband would beam at seeing a childhood friend.. Noticing the face of the wives (these couples are also a part of today’s leadership), I would change the direction of my path and not go near them while not missing the visible reaction of the wife’s faces. They then give a beautiful smile waving good bye… Little do they realise how strongly the daggers of rejection pierce my heart.
If this is from friends from teenage days, how more do you think it takes place amidst other couples (in ministry, in leadership) whom I had met upon coming to this country? Oh yes, my marriage was annulled and I thank God that He has preserved me but many a tongue has doubted and spread rumours based on prejudices as divorced females here are perceived as the ‘temptresses’. Well, to me this just shows the quality of their marriages and their relationships with God. When I used to sob at this, God encouraged me with Ezekiel 34 pointing out to me the shepherds throwing God’s sheep to the wolves. No, it’s not just me who has this experience. As a counsellor and as one who has a number of counsellor friends, I hear the same heart piercing sob stories repeatedly. Little do these leaders understand how difficult it is to keep pushing away men who think we are easy and desperate.. that we are to fight alone as they don’t know we see clearly the rejection and suspiciousness and thus the condemnation they send our way.
Oh, did I tell you that remarriage is often also subject to being ‘sin’. Frankly, if you are doomed as you are divorced and alone without their coverage of the ‘body of Christ’ and if you are doomed for being “re”-married and not alone but protected at least by a godly husband, well, I think it’s better to be remarried.
Oh yes, it just struck me – if they were indeed the Body of Christ, wouldn’t they be suffering as one part suffers and being joyful as one rejoices? Of course, personally given my walk with God throughout all these years, and that moreover living by faith wholly dependent on Him for everything – for love, for finances, for protection, for belonging etc etc – I have learnt a number of things. Most importantly I have learnt that I am PRECIOUS to Him as He created me in His image and for His purpose… I am the daughter of the King of Kings so that makes me a royal princess, to be cherished… I have learnt that He met me where I am and that whether it was my fault or not, there is no ‘sin’ that is unforgivable other than the one of blasphemy of the name of the Holy Spirit. There is no more condemnation in Christ either! Having said that too, I know that SIN isn’t how the religious leaders define it, as right or wrong, but rather not doing what God has called us to do , disobedience to His rhema and logos word in its ENTIRE context not in isolation, is what SIN is all about.
I better stop here now (and I chuckle) as else I will be going on and on and on.. I just felt that God wanted to encourage those of you who are trapped in abusive marriages, that no, that is NOT the type of life God has for you or for your children… I also felt that God wanted to encourage those of you who are separated or divorced or annulled from such marriages and are feeling the sting of the very people who should be godly and embracing you and looking out for you.
I have completed a book with Christian principles on the mechanisms of Power and Control as well as another book of my life testimony in further detail – do keep this in prayer for every aspect of them to be released in a speedy manner – for every obstacle removed so that the various resources especially finances will be released.