Yes, I wept, I cried, I mourned… I went through stages of self pity.. The judgment from outside, from people I was close with, from people who barely knew me would add to my pool of negative emotions that threatened to drown me. “She must be living in sin” or “she must be out of God’s will” or “she is obviously lacking faith” were the reasoning of others for my plight… “She created her own mess, let her deal with it” – said many other people withdrawing from my life revealing their true colours of religiosity. Yes they were judging me with their value system bringing that to light. One with intimacy with God would be delving deep into the Bible in context and understand God’s ways that DO not conform to the ways of the world and are indeed controversial more often than not!
Yet despite all the buffeting of the enemy, making my body sway, my feet were planted on the solid rock of Jesus. The despair, the loneliness, the pain, the agony kept driving me closer and closer to the feet of my Heavenly Father. What a blessing! What meaning to life! I became increasingly aware of His love, His tender embrace, His presence, His touch, His healing, His grace, His mercy… It became overwhelmingly desirable.
I reduced my contact with the outer world and by the world, I am referring to the ‘religious’ Christians whose desire seemed to be to shatter the broken hearts driving them into condemnation. The non believers seemed to have a heart of gold comparatively to be honest!
God kept speaking to me, guiding me.. and the Holy Spirit illuminated God’s Word in incredible ways.. teaching me His ways by to a great extent of making me live it out. Having also being led out of my comfort zone and away from my career in the West with an income in the 50% income tax bracket at that time…. He led me to rely on Him for EVERYTHING – for love, for grace, for finances, for health, for the dwelling place.. It was about Him giving my daily allowance which He had shown me would be the case well ahead of time, but which I hadn’t comprehended then.
Now looking back at each stage of life, each experience, I see how God had ‘warned’ me or showed me ahead of time.. and those RHEMA words didn’t make sense yet I had obediently hidden them in my heart – as foolish as it would sound to many with whom I dared to share it with. Nonetheless, I was this little child who knew God was the source. Now those very words do make sense to me and I’m grateful to God for that.
All these experiences of rejection, oppression, victimisation and all the negative treatment and unfairness, I can sing praise to God for… These pushed me to experience God’s love in deeper ways.. to know the Father heart of God. Besides now being able to say, ‘been there done that’, I’m able to understand and empathise with people who are going through various situations with the Father heart of God. I know there is often more to the story than what meets the eyes. I know what it is like to be judged and falsely accused and thus I beg God to help me see people and situations the way He would see it. It also led me to read more, study more and with apply knowledge with God’s discernment. It helped me begin to question peoples advice of ‘dos and don’ts’ which were based on theories lacking the Fruit of the Spirit for which intimacy with God is required.
Jesus lived on earth and He can identify with each of our situations… He has been there. You can take all your worries and concerns and fears to Him with utmost openness as He sees all that you have gone through with such clarity that you wouldn’t know yourself.
Oh yes, and just as I finished drafting this yesterday , the enemy did manage to rattle me with tears for a few minutes in regards to the financial support ending from someone. Yet I reminded myself of the 8 years prior to that support which covered 2/3 of my rent where I had no regular support whatsoever but how God had carried me through my version of the Israelites wilderness 😀
Being in the valley makes us appreciate the hill more – which pushes us to start scaling the mountains.. and He gives us feet as deer! In every situation can we give thanks and praise God like Paul did? He set the example so it’s possible. If we focus on life here on earth as God having sent us for His Kingdom purposes, then we won’t get distracted by the worldly values and goals.. and we then find contentment in our current situations knowing that God is SOVEREIGN… Yes there is a time and a place to get out of the situation which God will guide.. Just being in the centre of His will, being intimate with Him to know the will and enjoy relationship with HIM – that’s what’s beneficial and meaningful for us believers!