As I reflect back on my life and as I observe others in the area of relationships, it’s interesting to notice the various elements attached with this rather complicated concept of relationships.
Today while jotting down thoughts after reflecting on this the last week or so, a post on FB caught my attention:
“Be careful who you start dating…
A lot of people aren’t looking for LOVE, they’re looking for HELP”.
Sadly this is so true and it sums up my thoughts. Relationships should be about love… however people begin to date or enter relationships for many a wrong reason. Some do so to enjoy the attention that they get, some to “use” the other person to get things done, some for a sense of belonging – not to be alone, while yet some others do so out of desperation / fear of not getting the right person so they “settle” with anyone who gives attention, some for the sake of security (so people won’t consider them based on their singleness as a “loser”). Some get into a relationship to gain acceptance by society, some others to simply quench their sexual desires, some because of co-dependence. Some do so to fill a void in their lives – to make them feel special else otherwise they feel they are not worthy while some others do so to give them purpose in life. These last two categories of people are insecure and are looking for someone else to make them complete.
When “LOVE” isn’t the motive for the dating or relationship, then they fake it as love – they pretend to be with you but they aren’t really with you.
I love this quote on “love” :
Love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking together in the same direction. Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
If the couple isn’t looking together in the same direction, then that for sure isn’t love but rather a pretense relationship spurred on by one or more of the wrong reasons listed above. Often one person is looking for help and the other tries to be the caretaker – a mechanism of co-dependence.
If someone is making decisions for you without consulting you or without explaining the whole scenario, or if someone is forcing you to do something as they do not approve of it, or if they are hurting you physically – that’s not love, that’s a mechanism of POWER and CONTROL. God gives us free will, then what right does someone else have to force their will on us…
Love does not dominate; it cultivates. – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
If you fall into the category of spurred on by the wrong motives for a relationship, you may be able to convince yourself otherwise and you may even be able to fool others, but God sees your heart completely.
Man sees your actions, but God your motives. Thomas à Kempis
As a believer, “pretending” is hypocritical, and in essence it’s a sin. These motives stem out of selfishness or pride, acts of the fleshly nature not of the Holy Spirit. We are not only playing with our own lives but also playing with the lives of another, damaging their emotions and their future. What goes around often comes around – then when we get heart broken it’s no point crying “why Lord?” because God can turn around and ask “Isn’t that what you did to my son / daughter?”.
We need to love each other as ourselves. In every choice we need to ask, would we like to be treated that way? If not, don’t do it!
“A man of the flesh will lead you to the bedroom, compromise your purity and disappear into thin air…
A godly man will lead you along the path of God, protect your purity and be there for you at the altar of marriage”
There is a huge distinction between love and lust…
Love can wait and worship endlessly; lust says, “I must have it at once.” – Oswald Chambers
A godly relationship is about being COMPARABLE helpers, at a similar level in life where you can indeed look at the right direction, with a common purpose in life. It is about complementing each other. However it is not about being joined at the hip 24×7. If your life is centred around spending time with each other all the time and not having activities with others around you, then there is something not quite right – the person is an idol in your life, it’s not love.
If we do not find our security and joy in God first, there is no way that anyone else can give that to us… Every relationship will then be a recipe for disaster and then there is no point blaming God for the heartaches that it brings. If you make the choice to go into it headstrong, then the consequences are yours to deal with too. However we can be grateful that God is merciful and full of grace and forgiveness that we can choose to repent of our decisions made in the flesh without Him and thus make a U-turn. He then will gather us in His arms and becomes our refuge.
A godly marriage is about the husband and wife leaving the family – to take up responsibility, to begin their own family and hence be the leaders of their own unit.. with the man being the head but not with dominance. God did not create man to be alone but brought woman along to be a comparable helper, a helpmeet to him. This union is marked by witnesses to be held accountable by the Body of Christ. They then become one with each other, that they are no longer two separate entities and they function together. This is the type of union that is pleasing to God. They constantly have God at the centre of their union and their priority is the seeking God and His righteousness. Their marriage is to be a witness as to how Christ loved the church – a sacrificial love.
- Sit in God’s presence today and ask God what your motives are to be in a relationship today or if you are wanting to get into a relationship. Are you in the position of playing with someone else’s life, the life of a child of God?
- Does your motive fall into any of the negative / unhealthy reasons listed above?
- Ask God to reveal to you whether your relationship is authentic or pretense, whether it’s a godly relationship or not and ask Him to help you evaluate it honestly
- Ask God for discernment to know whether this is the gold that God has for you or whether this is the silver that the enemy is trying to make glitter as gold.
If God and the Kingdom of God is not at the center of your relationship, it’s for sure not a relationship ordained by God..
Having said that, if God and the Kingdom of God is at the center of your relationship, only time will tell whether it’s a PRETENSE activity or whether it’s AUTHENTIC, the real deal!