So.. the latest.. I’m going for Hindi classes.. No, no, no.. not reading or writing (for now anyway) but just spoken Hindi!! It turns out that my Hindi teacher has done his M.A. in Physical Education specialising in counselling.
During this time, he mentioned one thing that a married lady had once told him. These words just sunk into my head, and I decided to share it with you and reflect on it as it was simply profound.
“I refused to compromise with my husband over a little thing in my marriage
and now I have had to compromise on many big things during the divorce..
I made a big mistake”
I don’t know what the little thing was but as discussed in previous blog posts, it’s the little things that add up to the big stuff.. There is a proverb in my mother tongue Tamil that says it only takes one drop of poison for a whole pot of rice. How sad to hear those words.. imagine the big things that need compromise on divorce – whether it’s in the settlement of wealth or assets or whether it’s in the settlement of custody of kids.. Is the ‘little’ thing you refuse to compromise on worth it?
Although this discussion is on the basis of marriage, the application is relevant to all types of relationship – including the dating relationship or perhaps the one you are interested in.. Reflect in accordance to your situation..
There are many reasons why we fail to compromise… First of all, when you ‘compromise’ with an abuser, that is often taken as a sign of weakness and every little compromise is pushed to the limit so that the abuser can control and take over. Well, that only gets worse and the abuse spills over into other areas of life – emotional to financial to spiritual to power to physical to sexual.. (not necessarily in that order.. but you get the drift right). Staying in such a partnership and feeding into their problem is only aiding such people to be trapped in their issues instead of having to deal with it – and this is at a risk to you yourself!
Another reason what stops us from compromising is our ‘ego’ or our selfishness. I know of a man who kept refusing to compromise saying he wasn’t a hen pecked husband… Ultimately his wife walked out on him – leaving him pretty startled. Our ego comes in the way of what is important, “why should I?” or “let him do it”. Or we don’t want to compromise because of stubbornness, we want our way!
Fear of love, fear of commitment, fear of relationships, fear of what others would say or how they would perceive our decisions.. these all interfere much often driving us to wrongly reshuffle our priorities. We don’t want to compromise on our careers, wealth and reputation.. So we let go of the relationships that matter to us. We may be crying inside but nonetheless we let go. It’s so hard to watch two people who truly love one another let their relationship (or potential relationship) simmer or suffer let alone be destroyed due to these factors. But we do do so…. compromise is a tough thing to do.. well – that is if we are still living in the fleshly nature.
Or we end up compromising our relationship in order to gain the wrong / bad things, we take the good stuff for granted and we compromise on our values and what is important…
Compromise is give and take – it is not to ‘please’ the other. We need to remember compromising is a very different thing to being a push over, and being tossed by the waves. Compromise does not and should not come in the way of our convictions. (We remain teachable but we also realise when we mature, we don’t feed on milk but on solid food and we come to a point that we don’t need to be taught by man but by God and we now teach.. However, hearing other mature believers will give us food for thought.. )
“A term compatible with anything and everything is meaningless” – Erwin W. Lutzer (1941– )
This is not much different from our relationship with God.. As human beings, we do not want to compromise on how WE have mapped out our lives.. We want it our way thus we pull away from God or worse, we claim to love God and follow Him yet our lives are full of self. Later we realise, if only we had surrendered to God’s way we would have had the best as it was for our own good that God planned out accordingly. His wisdom and His ways are way above ours. If only we had surrendered instead of being stubborn or holding onto our egos and reputation or gripping onto our fears, we realise we wouldn’t have major destructive situations threatening to drown us with their strong tidal waves and undercurrents.
We made a big mistake!
Yet, God can turn everything around for good.. if only we would confess our sins (and selfish ambition is definitely a sin) and repent and yield to Him, He makes ALL things beautiful in His time…
Let’s surrender our hearts to God and let the Holy Spirit lead us and may the fruit of the Holy Spirit be increasingly evident in our lives forgoing more and more of the acts of the fleshly nature!
May we nail our egos and our fears and our selfish ambitions and selfish desires and desire to please man etc etc all to the cross..
May we be a people of love, a vulnerable people so that through our love for one another
– our sincere love for one another – that we would be known as His disciples..
May we remember that the two greatest commandments are centered around LOVE and not WORK..
may we be a people who can balance these two in accordance to God’s Will –
compromising to maintain what matters and standing firm not to lose what matters
May we decrease while Christ in us increases…