It’s in the little things…

“You didn’t close the toothpaste tube!”…..
“You didn’t put the toilet seat up again!” ….
“Why is the toilet paper roll placed back to front?” ….

(This post is for the married and singles alike – for the married hopefully a way to renew or restore relationships, for the singles to know to watch out in choosing a partner .. and of course for all of us believers to be in the right place as the right person!)

Little stuff.. but it’s in the little things that a marriage begins to drift – if not attended to. It reminds me of the adage, “it takes a little spark to set the forest on fire”. Even in friendships, not just marriages, it’s the basic same scenario – ok, it may not be about the stuff in the toilet but as “petty” as the examples above may seem, just ask your married friends how many of them have had a tiff or two if not more over such stuff.

I hear of so many couples having lost that initial spark of marriage… they let it die off while quarrelling over the seemingly unnecessary differences. In the process, they turn to other people outside their marriage for their various needs – from emotional or intellectual or recreational or physical or sexual. The moment a couple simply fight over something in that area or neglect any of those areas, they are set up for disaster..

It’s important to keep the communication going to keep a relationship alive – any relationship but more importantly the marital relationship and even more importantly that of God.  Communication breeds intimacy… and when I say communication I mean two way communication at it’s fullest – including that of body language and tone of voice not just speaking words…  Speaking and listening both from the bottom of the heart is vital.

Many couples drift apart because of this lack of heart-felt communication and stubbornness.. “It’s my way or the highway” scenario.  Some people get so carried away with their priorities of life (even if it’s their ‘ministry’ or ‘church’) that they leave the spouse hanging… and obviously the spouse goes elsewhere to meet their needs.  Lot of marriages stay put because of their kids and all these couples can talk about are their kids.

Having a shared faith does for sure help bridge the gap as there is something in common.  However religiousness separates as religiousness is about rituals … Religious people run from one service to another, one prayer meeting to another and one bible study group to another.. Religious people are ‘activity’ oriented.. and miss out on the essence of being a believer.  The two greatest commandments hinge on nothing but relationship, on LOVE.  Loving God with all you have and loving your neighbour as yourself.

If you are unable to love your partner in marriage as yourself especially as the two are now one, how can

Sharing of hearts, of emotions, of needs, of fears, of desires, of passions and of sins… these are all important.. “Confess your sins to one another and pray for each other so that you may be healed” (James 5:16).  “Each other” not someone whom we consider ‘superior’ but just any person like ourselves, those around us and who is around us more than anyone else?!  And mind you, sins that are already washed away by the blood of Jesus are not what is being referred to here.. The sins we are talking about are of the present, not of the past, the sins that we haven’t dealt with… We don’t live in condemnation.  Our sins of the past have been forgiven and we have been given a new slate.  However we are sinful beings and the more we grow in our walk with God, the more ‘alert’ we become of our sins… and our failings on a day to day basis …. Wronging another comes in the way of the relationship!

Remember that ‘sins’ are defined as not doing what you ought to do, i.e. not doing what God would want you to do.  It’s not just about adultery and sexual immorality as people sadly are quickly to think and stop there!!  Read the list of the acts of the fleshly nature, which is not of God.. and meditate on it..

The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. – Galatians 5:19-21

Fact is we need to stay in communication with those around us… We lift each other up, we pray for each other.. in fact the Word is about so many ‘each others’!  Heartfelt communication is a building block of any relationship.

We can hide under the wonderfully sounding terms ‘confidence’ and ‘privacy’ and happily keep each other out of lives.  The real joy is in the bonding.. True, we need to exercise wisdom and not throw pearls to the swine.  However, let’s not let fear come in the way of real relationships as if our trust is in God, who can be against us… We will also then be able to say what Joseph said, “You intended it for harm, but God turned it around for good”.

If you are in a marriage, don’t hesitate to bring in communication.  It’s never too late to start.  Find some common ground.  Ladies, if you are running around ignoring your husbands and their needs – even for the sake of ‘ministry’ or ‘church’- it may be a good idea to go right back to Scripture and read what God’s model of marriage is.  Be humble enough to respect your husband as the leader of the family and go to the church that he is going to, if he is going to one that is.  Build common ground. Likewise with husbands too – understand God’s model of marriage and ask the Holy Spirit to lead you!

If you are single, make sure you think twice, and pray a million times giving time for God to speak in His time before you tie the knot.  Spiritual compatibility is an absolute must.  Being a Christian, is not a Sunday thing perhaps a few additional evenings thrown in too – but rather it’s a lifestyle… a life surrendered to the Heavenly Father being led by the Holy Spirit basing on the work of Jesus Christ whereby Christ continues to be our intercessor!  A life that is surrendered in the knowledge that Jesus Christ is THE (only) way, THE life and THE truth.

Men look for recreational companionship from their partners…. What do you guys have in common?  Many couples tie the knot getting lost in the heat of chemistry and then to wake up one day to find a ‘stranger’ lying next to them in bed… Men also need a partner with whom they can talk on an intellectual level, whereby they can discuss work etc.  Likewise with women… an intelligent women needs a man at that level.. This isn’t about educational compatibility as the one with major qualifications could lack intelligence but could achieve through hardworking.. whereas an intelligent one may not have had the opportunity to go through college.

Remember, don’t over look the ‘small things’…

Everything matters and becomes a big thing eventually – if swept under the carpet.

It only takes a spark to get a fire going.. let alone to burn down the forest!

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