Life is full of paradoxes, right?! So I read this the other day – I’m sure you would have guessed what it is by now.. Yup, a guy looks at a girl and wants to run to her yet run away from her at the same time – perhaps with equal intensity. He loves her and wants to be in a relationship with her, he doesn’t want anyone else to make a move on her either, he wants her for himself…. Yet he is so scared of a relationship – perhaps due to past failures or low self esteem due to critical parents or… the list goes on… There is a Sinhala phrase (Sinhala is the primary language of Sri Lanka) which a youth pastor friend of mine told me that comes to mind. “Aasaai.. bhayaai…” which translates: desire.. fear …
He may withdraw and disappear totally but his heart will remain in turmoil. A part of him isn’t with him. Yet have you noticed in your life such guys running away from you when you know for sure that there is chemistry, mutual chemistry for that matter but he backs off? Maternal instincts – a woman knows when a guy likes her. Yet she is totally baffled as he doesn’t make a move… He may not have left the scene but you know, you feel he likes you. Then suddenly he is going out with another girl…. It doesn’t make sense, does it?
The guy in question proceeds to another relationship and before long moves on to yet another…. and here you are… wondering, “what did I do wrong?”! Well, tell you what?! I once spoke to a psychologist friend about this… as I have witnessed these scenarios much over the years – whether in other peoples lives or mine! Do you wanna hear what the psychologist friend told me? He said people with this fear of commitment actually want a relationship (come on which one of us do not want to be loved – fear or not is another issue altogether!!) and they subconsciously enter a relationship that they deep down know will not work… They run away from the girl they truly like and would want but they unconsciously know that would require a commitment… So these poor dudes are constantly on the hit and chase run!
(And once again, let me stress – this happens the other way around too… whereby a girl has the fear but writing convenience I’m using the guy – gal scenario!).
There is actually a term for this – PHILOPHOBIA!!! The fear of falling into love or fear of getting into a relationship!!! Yup, we aren’t crazy – it sure does exist. So now we know that this paradox – of what we want is what we are scared of getting – exists in reality, what are we supposed to do???
The guy needs to know that he is loved and special, he needs affirmation and by God’s grace that may actually work. Isaac took Rebekah into his tent (symbolic of marriage) and he was comforted after his mother’s death (Genesis 24:67). Love can facilitate healing, and so be it if that is what God ordains. However, when a woman becomes ‘motherly’ and takes over ‘in love’ a man may initially like this but he would eventually come to hate and feel molly cuddled. Eve decided that she knew better than Adam and took of the fruit seeing it was pleasing to the eye, good for food and for gaining wisdom… and she gave it to Isaac. Eve took over the decision making without even running it by Adam and Adam failed in his leadership and allowed Eve, the mother of mankind, mother him too!! It cost them big time. Man and woman are created for each other as COMPARABLE helpers – not as in hierarchal. Women were meant to be ‘wives’ and not mothers to their partners!
Yet, if the guy himself is in denial and gets cold when someone comes close – close enough to warm the heart – and the porcupine prickles stand up as if having goose bumps… then there is nothing we can do about it rather than back off and pray for healing while moving on with our lives – unless of course, God has a major miracle in store that the scales of his eyes will fall off in due time and that provided God has made it clear about His will. This is an exemption as far my fleshly wisdom is concerned.
If any one of you who is reading this, know that you freeze when you really really like someone – I’m not talking about like as in lust – but rather like as in you see total compatibility and you know with that person it’s all or nothing… then just intercede for them, for their relationship with God to deepen, that they will their rooting and identity and security in Christ. We are called to love, we are not called to run away unless it’s not a healthy situation for us…
A man or woman rooted in God, will begin to heal of their past hurts and trusting in God will reach out and love one another just as God has called us to do – the running away will lessen and humility increase as at the end of the day it’s all about loving God.
May we surrender to our Heavenly Father for protection against the evil one who comes to steal, kill and destroy – especially relationships that are godly. May we look out for one another and may we continue to sit at God’s feet and surrender our hearts like David did….
Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. (Psalm 139:23,24).