A bit like the “He Said, She Said” sentiments…. “My thoughts, His thoughts”… only thing is that the “His” is not the typical man!!
(Regular readers of this blog may have read bits and pieces of this in different blogs.. sorry for the repeat but this brings these thoughts together as to what God is teaching me…)
oh but I’m a typical female… We females tend to plan out our weddings long before we even find our grooms. Blush.. did I actually say that out aloud let alone TYPE it??? Ouch! Oh now that the cat has come out of the bag, let me add our long fantasy list of what Mr Right would look like and what he would be like. So here we have it all planned out… while waiting… waiting… waiting…
Now to me anyway.. and my wait has been quite a while, and yes I agree, I have made many many wrong choices along the way! It just seems so funny that the “Mr Right as on the list” comes along but the feelings are not mutual… “I like, He don’t like” or “He likes, I don’t like”. And somehow, the few “I like, He likes” cases eventually turn into one of the other two categories.
Yet there are no droughts of pursuers… there are ample of them… “Water, water everywhere, not a single drop to drink” seems to continue to describe my life!!! As years go by, the Mr Right list gets trimmed and trimmed, narrowed and narrowed… Interestingly it becomes more difficult as the number one priority seems to be a rare quality… a guy who can love the Lord above all else. (That is evident not by his works or by his labours for God, but by the fruit of his life… and thus his love for God and for one another).
So… here are examples as to how my Mr Right List gets trimmed according to HIS thoughts…
Being of Sri Lankan origin, and of Tamil ethnicity from a Hindu background I always longed to have a Sri Lankan Tamil for a partner. My reasoning or perhaps rationalising went along the lines like this… Living overseas in the western world away from my motherland, I guess I wanted to feel a touch of ‘home’ in my home away from home so to speak… There is a certain bonding in speaking one’s mother tongue (although in essence it is my second language) …. Although we did speak mainly English at home, there are times when we slip into Tamil, especially when relatives come or when we want to crack a joke or two. The person who doesn’t understand the language can easily feel left out let alone get suspicious that people are talking about them “behind the back”. So having a guy who spoke the same language could do away with such complications while enhance a touch of ‘home’. In fact, while typing this, I just realise that the friends I would hang out with after work or University would be those from ‘home’… for the same reasons too. (And funnily, God brought me to serve in Sri Lanka which made me realise, I really didn’t fit in here and this certainly isn’t ‘home’ for me!! My sister in law was sooooo right!)
Years later God rebuked me for my ‘prejudices’. Nah ahhhh… my reasoning didn’t work with Him… My thoughts didn’t seem to be His thoughts…
As far as He was concerned, my desire of having a ‘dark skinned Tamil’ was purely based on appearances and prejudices. His reasoning was having a COMPARABLE helper and with HIM in the centre, there will be no race nor colour nor ethnicity nor language barrier. In the meantime, I found myself meeting married couples from mixed ethnicities.. and their kids had a similar look, almost a unique race. I couldn’t help but wonder whether this was how God had created Adam & Eve, before mankind was scattered all over the face of the earth!
So that was one trimming of my list – Mr Right to be a man after God’s own heart regardless of ethnicity or language or complexion.
Over these last so many years, I have been approached by many guys much junior to me. With much self-pride of being wise and ‘mature’, I gently told them that the age difference would not work.. I also took much precaution not to lead them on either. One common response from them, is that I don’t look it. Some have asked, “What’s the big deal? Age is just a number. Many years ago, I had read Derek Prince’s testimony as to how God had led him to his wife (and vice versa). She was 25 years (or something like that) his senior. I found that pretty yucky, but I also found it amusing that God had revealed to both of them His will… and age difference or not, it was His will… (Then again there are many biblical examples as to where age differences are of no concern whatsoever…)
Last year I found love (or well, I thought I had) with a guy when I was least expecting it or rather didn’t expect it at all. I was in a social setting and was friendly with everyone. Likewise with this handsome dude! It turned out he was a ‘package’ deal… and we connected on all levels – from humour, to spiritual to emotional. The sparks were there all along, which I hadn’t wanted to admit as meeting a guy in that context wasn’t even on my mind. Yet it turned out to be mutual. We had met in this social setting far away from our respective homes. The last night, the day before our parting we casually talked about our ages… He brought it up.. But our responses were shocking and gosh, did we cover up the shock well. I think we both suspected that I was older, but we didn’t expect this big gap. Yet he was so sweet… he told me that he could easily take me anywhere that even girls his age couldn’t hold a torch to me, and that I certainly don’t look my age.
After the parting, and now geographically miles and miles apart, we continued keeping in touch… It was difficult. My blog posts echoed the struggle I was going through and God reminded me of Derek Prince’s testimony. I decided to tell him, that I was willing to stand for him if he wanted it. However, he decided that it couldn’t work. It was devastating. Social media doesn’t help with pulling apart does it?!
However my “list” of Mr Right’s attributes of preferred age being 3-5 years older (yet it was give or take 5 years) got trimmed again. The age factor was removed completely as I have no idea what God wants for me. If I had known this guy was much younger (he looks so manly and mature that I thought he was much older than he really is), there is no way I would have connected to him on such a deep level as that ‘barrier’ would have been there all along.. I would have definitely treated him like a kid brother, as I do with everyone. I hadn’t expected to connect with him, so I hadn’t seen a need to warn him of my age either. Looking back, I think this was God’s sense of humour, to break me and mould me.
These experiences have also shaped me to think outside of the box, to step outside of prejudices and values formed by culture, family background, education etc… to realise that my thoughts are not necessarily His thoughts… In doing so, I’m becoming less and less judgmental and less critical of other peoples choices as finally it is what God thinks and what God is doing is what matters! I’m now seeing couples where the female is visibly much older than the guy with a different eye… whereby I admire their love that keeps them standing strong despite what others would think. Their love matters! God’s will matters and then He will be in the centre and keep the marriage strong…
God’s ways are higher than our ways… His thoughts are not our thoughts!
And to sum up, coincidentally or rather God’s sense of humour – a quote I read on FB just this morning (and I have been drafting this post for quite a while now!!).
“When two people relate to each other authentically and humanly, God is the electricity that surges between them.”
― Martin Buber
and my twist to it…
When two people, regardless of age, ethnicity, complexion, appearance, nationality, ……..