(Going back in time over the past week or so – provides some background to the post on “Darkest Hour” too… )
My life seems bleak and gray. I wake up and wonder why I should get up. Then I think of my housemate’s dog – the side door needs to be opened for her to use the ‘facilities’ and kibbles placed in her bowl. So I go downstairs, do the needful and make myself a mug of steaming coffee. Suddenly even the aroma that I would normally enjoy doesn’t seem appealing to me.
Ouch… now what do I do? I think longingly of all my writing on hand – the blog posts which I immensely enjoy writing, my articles for magazines, my drafts of books at various stages… I think of all the other things I used to do – social networking, encouraging online those who decide to chat with me and share what’s going on in their lives, translations for Christian ministries and any creative writing if the need arises. I also think of other work on hand including proposed content for the web page for my ministry in the making, KENOSIS.
Well… now that I’m unable to do any of the above I decide to make time for other things I enjoy. Let me do some visiting – oh, no! I can’t! My finances are low … travelling about will just eat into it. I raid the kitchen and wonder what I can create with the ingredients on hand. But no, I don’t seem to have the positive energy to implement the ideas. I settle down with my housemate’s kindle and a few books and magazines that I have on hand. I seem to be so restless that I keep jumping between all of them and reading none! A game on the mobile phone demanded it’s fair share of attention too.
I think of myself as a widow who is mourning for her husband. Nothing she enjoyed prior to the loss appeals without him being around. Hmmm I wonder whether I would actually mourn as much if I did lose my husband to death!! Perhaps not! Calm down, I’m single, very much single. This just adds to my feeling of being a waste of space, of not being needed. I simply feel as if I don’t have anything to live for anymore… I know this is not true, but thinking this way seems to justify my blues.
Before I go further, incase you haven’t guessed already, my loss is that of my best companion on earth – my laptop… my primary tool for ministry and my source of keeping in touch with those dear to my heart, locally and internationally. Not having had a TV or radio for years and a limited budget or rather no budget whatsoever, this was also my source of entertainment. I have been living alone far away from family with lessened connections for over a decade too. Ahhh… you begin to understand why I mourn the loss of my ‘bestie’.
I have never been one to be ‘lazy’ so these last few days have been torture. Although I have been complaining that I feel like a waste of space, I know it’s not about ‘doing’ in God’s eyes. He obviously has permitted this whole situation. The very Sovereign God who blessed me with a brand new laptop a few years ago, can definitely do it again. However, for some reason that is beyond my knowledge God has chosen not to replace the stolen laptop – yet.
I feel like I’m wasting time and other peoples’ money. Well, when you live by faith, God does burden various people to support the work. Yet now, I’m not able to do the work without a laptop. Does that mean I shouldn’t be supported during this time? Is this any indication that my writing ministries have to come to an end? Or is this an indication that I should stop full time ministry and go back to a career? If that’s the case which country should I move to? My visa here in Sri Lanka doesn’t permit me to work here so God won’t be asking me to switch here. I can’t do anything until I hear from God.
Some of my praying friends think this could be a ‘test’. It is quite likely. I do spend much time at God’s Feet and ask for leading and inspiration to write these blog posts. It has been a time of standing in awe of God and what He has been doing through these posts every time I get feedback or hear testimonies through both known and unknown readers alike. Never did I imagine that these posts that are being written in the corner of a room in Sri Lanka would have readers from 64 countries. I recall clearly how much I procrastinated when God nudged me and urged me to start this blog. Perhaps the test is to see whether I will still love God whether He uses me or not. I feel like I have fallen into the depth of the valley after having steadily climbing the steep heights.
I thank God for my friends who are sending me encouraging messages at this time, reminding me that my writing ministries are a blessing and will be resumed soon and also reminding me that I am special to God whether I am ‘doing’ or not ‘doing’. Without a clue of the emotional turmoil I was going through a friend of mine texted me a Bible verse:
“The LORD thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; He will save, He will rejoice over thee with joy; He will rest in His love, He will joy over thee with singing” (Zephaniah 3:17).
This has become a verse very dear to me over the years right from the time I committed my life to Him… In times of feeling low and alone, God has spoken this to me over and over again – both directly and through others.
I just want to remind each one of you that you are indeed special. It is not what you do that makes you special, it is not your achievements or your appearance or your personality or your titles or even your ministries for that matter… In fact these things can prohibit us from getting the best reward – that of sitting still at His Feet and hearing Him…. We can learn from the story of Martha and Mary. Martha chose the ‘good’ things but Mary chose the best. Our perspectives define how we view others too.
Your worth is simply because you are God’s creation, fashioned by Him and that in His image. Let’s celebrate who we are. Let’s treasure one another not for what they do – but because each and every person is loved by God! Each part of us were knitted together in our mothers’ wombs by God Himself.