Shock, horror was clearly registered on my face. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. The female pastor that I had sought pastoral care from was recommending the book “Hiding from Love” authored by John Townsend and Henry Cloud to me “Why are you asking me to read this?” I questioned the pastor. After all I had been craving for human love after having lost my mother just over a year prior to this conversation and was in the process of healing after a dysfunctional relationship. This pastor whom I respected much simply responded that although I longed to be loved, I was running away from the very thing I wanted. It simply didn’t make sense. The natural me responded defensively – I protested at the very possibility.
I went back home and reflected on her words. The words of a friend flooded my memory. “I like to be a friend and help you. However, I won’t know how to help you unless you share what is needed. Your refusal of letting me help is blocking my blessing from God”. Ouch, those words hurt but got me thinking. I was raised by a loving mother who taught me to share sacrificially, to reach out and help others. However she had also discouraged me from asking help from others. We shouldn’t trouble them was her explanation, and I simply accepted her words.
Why am I thinking of all of these? I recently made a new friend with whom I felt I connected well – intellectually, interests etc etc. He was really caring and thoughtful. However, he refused any kind of help or even words of concern coming from others. He was single not willing to mingle as he believes he is independent and is managing fine alone. His refusal of my expression of my care hurt deeply. Suddenly the light bulb was turned on! I realised I knew several bachelors who were just like this… One of those bachelors used to liken himself to a porcupine! Ouch! Another one had admitted to me that he ‘gets cold when someone comes close’. In fact both of these guys had apologised for their behaviour.
Last night as I was interceding for the new friend, I saw a vision of a gorilla (or a large whatever of the monkey kind) balancing step by step along a tightrope. As I interceded, felt pain – what torture it must be to carry such a weight along that ultra fine line.
Sadly we all carry baggage to one extent or the other from our past. We thus decide we can be independent, that we don’t need anyone. However we think that we need to support other people whenever possible. What doesn’t work for us should work for others – is that hypocrisy or is that pride? If being independent or self sufficient is the way to go, then why are we helping others? How can that be love? Isn’t that then detrimental to their growth?
God didn’t create us to be independent. If so, He wouldn’t have created Eve when Adam was experiencing unbroken intimacy with God. Adam was surrounded by the birds of the air and the beasts of the earth, he was in a lush environment with abundant food. Yet God clearly stated, “it is not good for man to be alone”. Simple! This was the mandate for living. Pro-creation was the result of this mandate…
Disobeying God is sin – it’s straightforward. There are the exceptions for celibacy but the reason for that is to serve the Lord without being distracted. The moment we claim that we can manage perfectly ok by ourselves, is actually saying there is no need of God in our lives. We may profess to love God, but Jesus says by our love for one another men will know that we are His (John 13:35). One another implies mutual give and take; interdependent relationships. Being able to accept love takes humility… and often healing from our past experiences or transforming from the values our lives, our families, our education etc has taught us that contradict with God’s Word.
We may think we are healed. I thought so too! Why? I had gone through sessions of professional counselling. However my pastor was able to see through further obstacles thanks to the gift of discernment in her life. I’m grateful that my church (First Alliance Church, Scarborough) back in Canada had a healing and deliverance program where two people per person spend much quality time ministering to the individuals!
Fact is we are always a work in progress. The more we grow in the Lord, the finer the details that God brings to our attention to deal with. He is in the process of removing all our blemishes – the refiner’s fire. He waits till He knows we are mature enough to be able to handle certain details of our past experiences, those that we have been busy trying to bury deep within rather than deal with. The more deeper we have buried, the longer it will take to dig it all out again.
My prayer is that every person reading this article will yield to the Holy Spirit and allow Him to clear out the baggage that perhaps subconsciously holds us back from running the race and make us come down, away from the dangers of the tightrope!
“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love” (1 John 4:18).
(Above was about platonic relationships… amidst all believers… however is the foundation for long term relationships… And for those of us who long to be interdependent and be in a relationship, well, what can we do if the males are not dealing with their issues? More to come on this topic of most eligible bachelor forever!)
P.S. – Yes, I did read the book and continue to study as so much to take in… and it comes with huge recommendations, from me now!